Your new baby, when it’s not overwhelming love at first sight.

When I had my first baby I was expecting to feel this sudden overwhelming love. I expected to look into her tiny eyes and just feel it deep within my soul. So when I first looked into that tiny face and all I felt was “what the fuck just happened to me” I was super confused. I looked at my husband and he was crying with joy and love and then back at my baby and nope still nothing. So I didn’t say anything, thinking it might take a few hours for the shock to wear of and then it would come.

But it didn’t, I waited and waited... I mean I loved her of course I did and I was super protective of her, like instinctively. But the love didn’t feel the same as the way I loved my husband, like this deep fuzzy feeling that consumed your whole body. I didn’t feel that and I felt so ashamed for the way I was feeling. I constantly questioned myself as a mother.

Those early weeks I also felt resentful and honestly didn’t enjoy the newborn phase with my first two. I struggled to process and accept my new reality and felt suffocated and trapped by my new life. It literally felt like the same day on repeat and I new what was coming and didn’t know if I could do it all again. I would then feel guilty for feeling that way and like maybe I was doing it wrong. FYI I wasn’t I was just sleep deprived as fuck and refusing to actually rest properly. I also felt guilty for those feelings because we had chosen this path, I wanted this baby so I should be grateful.

It ended up taking 12months for me to feel that all consuming love for her and it was a slow and gradual build up to that feeling over time. I then spoke to a few mums about it and opened up and they admitted they felt the same way. They too didn’t have that immediate loved up feeling everyone talks about. It definitely made me feel like I wasn’t broken or alone in how I was feeling.

The acceptance of my new reality/way of life came a lot quicker than the love feeling, I think at about the 3 month mark what felt like a fog slowly lifted and I was able to see again properly. I was able to confidently go and do things and didn’t feel so utterly exhausted all the time. I know that it is different for everyone, for some it happens quicker and for others it takes a bit longer. My second it took more like 6 months, but my anxiety was out of control with him as well so that didn’t help.

My third however was different. With her I surrendered. I surrendered to the sleep deprivation, I stopped trying to control everything around me. I listened to my body, I asked for help and I rested, I didn’t feel guilty about prioritising my own health and wellbeing either. With my third, I loved the newborn phase. I fell deeply in love with her almost instantly. I still had bad days and days where I struggled, but it wasn’t an on going struggle that lasted day in and day out like with the other two.

So new Mumma I see you, I know it feels all consuming and like you are stuck in a dark fog and can’t see a way out, but I promise it gets better! The best thing you can do is accept how you are feeling without judgement, you have nothing to feel guilty or shameful about! Also share your feelings with those around you that you love and trust. Let them help you, I know how hard it is to accept help, I struggle with this myself, but it will make it all seem so much easier!